Letting go of a dream

I'm stuck holding on to a dream, and I'm not sure if it's time to let that dream die or if I'm just in a long dormant phase. -Words of wisdom, from myself, circa late January 2017.

It's been a month and a half since I resigned, and for the most part, it's been good. I've done some subbing, took an amazing trip to visit my brother in Hawaii, taken up yoga, and had time to work on sewing projects.

The night before I left for Hawaii, I saw a job posting through a Facebook page I follow. It was a program assistant position in Elon's counseling department, something that I would enjoy doing and felt I was well qualified for. And I probably would have ignored it, had the tenants of my lovely blue house in Gibsonville not given notice that they would be moving out mid-September.

(Spoiler alert: I didn't ignore it)

I stayed up until 2 am revising my resume and cover letter to impulsively apply for a job.

I can feel you shaking your head in disapproval, dear reader. It's okay. I'm doing it, too.

You've seen me do this before, right?

I applied for a job to escape my unhappiness. I was literally trying to run away, albeit to a house and community that I loved.

Fast forward through an unexpected phone interview with a 6 hour time difference while I was in Hawaii and a Skype interview, once I returned home, which meant I was one of the top two candidates.

I didn't get the job.

I found this out as I was driving to North Carolina to check my tenants out, all the time wondering if I'd be checking myself back into that house a week later.

I kind of knew. I didn't hear back from them the day after the other candidate's interview, so I mentally prepared myself for the fact that it had been offered to someone else. It wasn't a surprise, but it was a disappointment.

This was the second time that I was so close to a job that I thought was within my grasp, and the exact same scenario played out.

Is it time to let go of the dream? Initially, that's how it felt: I am not meant to work at Elon again. That door is closed. Move on.

Here's the thing, though: working at Elon, although it is something I love and can do well, is not the dream.

Working at Elon is an easy way out, and I want an easy way out.

I want someone to give me a reason to leave.

I don't know if moving back to North Carolina would make me happy. Deep down, I'm pretty sure it would not. I have uncovered a habit of falling back on things I have pursued in the past as things that I should still continue to pursue, without questioning whether I want those things now.

Now. 

I am a different person now than I was when I graduated from college, when I got married, when I taught middle school, when I stayed home with young children and lived on one meager income, when I homeschooled, when I lived in North Carolina. I have grown and changed, and I need to realize that my old dreams and ambitions are security blankets that you have to eventually stop carrying around.

something has changed within me

I usually look on the job boards for Elon about once a week, to see if anything new and interesting has opened up. Why Elon? Well, because it's home and it's comfortable and it's familiar. I truly did LOVE working there and I miss my interactions with college students. It's where I bELONg (yes, I know it's cheesy but it's an Elon thing and I will do it until I die).

I've seen a few job postings that I would be a good candidate for, but none of them interested me enough to even consider applying. I still follow several Elon departments on social media and saw a Twitter post indicating that a favorite staff member of mine was going to retire, so of course I immediately went to the job postings to see if the listing for that position was up yet [this is just a person I know and have worked with, not someone whose job I wanted to snatch up.]

And then it happened.

My job was listed.

Not my job exactly, but a parallel job that has the exact same responsibilities, only in a different location on campus.

Even better? This position is full-time (hello, benefits!) without being 40 hours a week, 50 weeks a year.

And yet...

I'm (?) not ready (?) to go back yet (?)

I know, right?

What even????

My entire existence for the last 10 months has been figuring out how to get away from Louisiana and move back home. And dammit, despite myself, I have settled in here. I have formed relationships that I'm not ready to sever.

I still want to move back with every fiber of my being, but I have done such a monumental job of telling myself that it will be at least another year before Matt will be ready to consider looking for another job, that I actually don't know what I even want anymore.

But I don't want it -

No - I can't want it

Anymore

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

(to be continued)

finally finished, part 1

I am gong to celebrate my finished projects; the works-in-progress that I deliberately complete before moving on to new things (mostly).

See, I have actually started and finished 3 little cross stitch projects in the past week, including this one.

But let's refer back to my first two official finish-it-up projects that I blogged about here:

I finished these mittens!

The pattern is "Midge" by Berroco, worked with Patons's Kroy Socks Jaquard in Denim.

I finished this cross stitch... mostly. I'm still leaning toward using it as part of a pillow cover, but we'll see. At least the cross stitch part is completed.

I wish I could give better credit for the pattern but I can't find it anywhere on the internet. It's called Phoenix Rising by R. Lawler, and like I said, I modified the thread colors to better represent my alma mater.