Letting go of a dream

I'm stuck holding on to a dream, and I'm not sure if it's time to let that dream die or if I'm just in a long dormant phase. -Words of wisdom, from myself, circa late January 2017.

It's been a month and a half since I resigned, and for the most part, it's been good. I've done some subbing, took an amazing trip to visit my brother in Hawaii, taken up yoga, and had time to work on sewing projects.

The night before I left for Hawaii, I saw a job posting through a Facebook page I follow. It was a program assistant position in Elon's counseling department, something that I would enjoy doing and felt I was well qualified for. And I probably would have ignored it, had the tenants of my lovely blue house in Gibsonville not given notice that they would be moving out mid-September.

(Spoiler alert: I didn't ignore it)

I stayed up until 2 am revising my resume and cover letter to impulsively apply for a job.

I can feel you shaking your head in disapproval, dear reader. It's okay. I'm doing it, too.

You've seen me do this before, right?

I applied for a job to escape my unhappiness. I was literally trying to run away, albeit to a house and community that I loved.

Fast forward through an unexpected phone interview with a 6 hour time difference while I was in Hawaii and a Skype interview, once I returned home, which meant I was one of the top two candidates.

I didn't get the job.

I found this out as I was driving to North Carolina to check my tenants out, all the time wondering if I'd be checking myself back into that house a week later.

I kind of knew. I didn't hear back from them the day after the other candidate's interview, so I mentally prepared myself for the fact that it had been offered to someone else. It wasn't a surprise, but it was a disappointment.

This was the second time that I was so close to a job that I thought was within my grasp, and the exact same scenario played out.

Is it time to let go of the dream? Initially, that's how it felt: I am not meant to work at Elon again. That door is closed. Move on.

Here's the thing, though: working at Elon, although it is something I love and can do well, is not the dream.

Working at Elon is an easy way out, and I want an easy way out.

I want someone to give me a reason to leave.

I don't know if moving back to North Carolina would make me happy. Deep down, I'm pretty sure it would not. I have uncovered a habit of falling back on things I have pursued in the past as things that I should still continue to pursue, without questioning whether I want those things now.

Now. 

I am a different person now than I was when I graduated from college, when I got married, when I taught middle school, when I stayed home with young children and lived on one meager income, when I homeschooled, when I lived in North Carolina. I have grown and changed, and I need to realize that my old dreams and ambitions are security blankets that you have to eventually stop carrying around.

it was no, after all

After a month of agonizing, thinking, planning, what if-ing, the door is closed.

The job that I wanted, and made it to the final interview for, was offered to someone else.

I couldn't have done anything differently or better. The interviewers/hirers know me, and know that I can do the job because I have done the job before. But they chose someone else.

I'm not going to lie. It hurt a little that someone was deemed better than me. I am very curious to find out who the new hire is (God bless the internet and the fact that I will easily be able to do this in about 2 months when websites are updated).

At the same time, I am enormously relieved that I don't have to put my kids in the position of having to make the choice about where they want to live. I have a lot of things already planned for this summer, so I'm glad that I don't have to add "pack up my life to move" to the list.

But I'm sad, too. There were so many things I was looking forward to about living in North Carolina again. Friends, food, and family will have to continue to wait for me, and I for them.

In my heart of hearts, I knew my work here was not done. I will continue to substitute teach, to lead a Scout troop, and to chaperone high school band events. I will invest in these people for another year.

And I will also have an exit strategy.

This WILL be our final year living in Louisiana. We WILL be putting our house on the market next spring. My kids and their friends and mine will know that we will be leaving at the end of next school year. Having closure in  advance, knowing that something is going to happen a year ahead of time, is a luxury that will be afforded to us.

My prayer is that we will be able to return to our home in North Carolina. My prayer is that a year's notice will be enough closure time for us. My prayer is that there are jobs waiting for my husband and I. My prayer is that we can sell this house quickly. My prayer is for patience in the waiting.

349 days to go. The countdown is back on.

in knots

3 weeks ago, my job was posted.

Today, I have a phone interview, and my stomach is in knots.

I am interviewing for a position that I held just 362 days ago. I know every question that is on the interview sheet; I asked these questions of candidates when I helped conduct this same interview last year to find my replacement. I know the interviewers; they were coworkers and supervisors for 3 years. I'd like to say I have nothing to be nervous about, but that would be a lie.

I'm nervous that they might say yes. I'm nervous about asking my kids to leave the friends they just made when they moved to Louisiana 10.5 months ago. Today is the last day of school here. What if they're never going back to their schools here? Last year they knew they were saying goodbye to school friends in NC, at least temporarily. They would be thrilled to reconnect at their old schools if we move back, not to mention they'd get almost an entire extra month of summer vacation due to schedule differences.

This is not a place we'd return to, though. When we leave, it will be a permanent move. I certainly don't plan to make the 30 hour round-trip drive just so teenagers can visit their friends, but I don't want to invalidate their feelings because they have actually made some good friends here. I can't even ask them if they'd want to move back, though, not until I know if it is a valid option. It would've devastating to get them thinking about moving back, only to find out that I didn't get the job.

I walked out of my school today with kids asking if I would be back next year. I couldn't resoundingly tell them yes, because I may not. "I plan to" was the best response I could muster, because I will most likely be substitute teaching there if this is where I live.

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In other knot news, I came across a baggie full of hemp cord while I was cleaning up the other day. As I think back on it, macrame was one of the first crafts I learned, using this book.

I made a LOT of really ugly plant holders when I was in elementary school! God bless my aunt who graciously accepted them, and I think to this day may be using one on her porch.

The knots and patterns came back to me quickly and I put together this little bracelet. Knots are much better worn as jewelry than in the stomach. 

just. say. no.

I was asked to go on a trip that I really wanted to go on.

I was needed on this trip.

I tried to find ways to make it work, but the timing just wasn't right.

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I am selfish. I want what I want, when I want it, and I don't want to pay for it. Gimme gimme gimme.

I am an adult, and a mother, and a wife. I have obligations and commitments that I can't shake off. I can't buy things I can't afford, and go places just because I want to.

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I said no to the trip.

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Not right away.

I thought about it for a long time, and one morning I woke up with a complete peace that saying no was the right thing.

But I still didn't say no.

Someone, that very evening that I decided to say no, had me second guessing my choice.

So I went on trying to think of ways to justify doing something that I wasn't even sure I wanted to do, anymore.

Making choices can be paralyzing. Commitment can feel oppressive. Doubt can pull you under.

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I did say no. And now it's an official no and I don't have to think about it anymore.

I wanted to do it, but the timing wasn't right, so I made the adult decision and said no.



But apparently I'm not done saying no.

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This job thing has got me all kinds of heart-wrenchingly torn.

I want it. I want this job again. I want to move back to North Carolina. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SEEMS RIGHT... except it's not.

~~~~~~

My husband is not onboard with moving right now.

And in my heart, I know it's not time. I feel like my work here is not done. I don't want to be here, but I know I'm not done and that's the worst kind of paradoxical hole to be in. To have not just a rope thrown to you to help you climb out of a deep well, but to be sent some kind of hoverboard platform to gently rise you out. A sparkly hoverboard at that. One that it would make no sense in the world not to climb onto.

And so I hesitate. I waiver. I decide, and then recant, and then change my mind again.

I will.

I won't.

Can't I just try? Can't I just see if it's a yes? And if it is a yes, then I can decide?

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I can't stand the not knowing, the "what if."

something has changed within me

I usually look on the job boards for Elon about once a week, to see if anything new and interesting has opened up. Why Elon? Well, because it's home and it's comfortable and it's familiar. I truly did LOVE working there and I miss my interactions with college students. It's where I bELONg (yes, I know it's cheesy but it's an Elon thing and I will do it until I die).

I've seen a few job postings that I would be a good candidate for, but none of them interested me enough to even consider applying. I still follow several Elon departments on social media and saw a Twitter post indicating that a favorite staff member of mine was going to retire, so of course I immediately went to the job postings to see if the listing for that position was up yet [this is just a person I know and have worked with, not someone whose job I wanted to snatch up.]

And then it happened.

My job was listed.

Not my job exactly, but a parallel job that has the exact same responsibilities, only in a different location on campus.

Even better? This position is full-time (hello, benefits!) without being 40 hours a week, 50 weeks a year.

And yet...

I'm (?) not ready (?) to go back yet (?)

I know, right?

What even????

My entire existence for the last 10 months has been figuring out how to get away from Louisiana and move back home. And dammit, despite myself, I have settled in here. I have formed relationships that I'm not ready to sever.

I still want to move back with every fiber of my being, but I have done such a monumental job of telling myself that it will be at least another year before Matt will be ready to consider looking for another job, that I actually don't know what I even want anymore.

But I don't want it -

No - I can't want it

Anymore

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

(to be continued)

The life cycle of a dream

One of my only regrets thus far in my life is not going to graduate school.

When I was 23 years old, I was accepted to a full-time Masters in School Counseling program at Wake Forest University (go Deacs!) It was a two year program, and it was fully covered by scholarship.

Yes, you read that correctly.

I had a free ride for the masters program of my dreams at the school of my dreams.

And a month later, I found out I was pregnant.

It was not planned, nor was it unwelcome, but it did mean that there was no way I could be enrolled in a demanding, non-stop program.

I was blessed to receive a deferral, with admission secured for the following year's cohort. My son would be 8 months old, my husband would be working, and I would be a full-time graduate student. My mom lived nearby at the time and was even available to babysit for free. Things were looking great!

Except they weren't.

My mom was living nearby because she had left her marriage to my father. She was also undergoing treatment for breast cancer. In addition to those stressors AND graduate school, I had to suddenly wean my son to take a strong antibiotic. I didn't realize until several years later what a profound hormonal effect this had on me, but it really sent me into a tailspin. A month into my program, I started having debilitating panic attacks and suffering from major depression.

Ironically, I had to drop out of counseling school because I needed counseling, myself.

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Almost seventeen years later, I have never lost sight of the idea of trying to earn my graduate degree. But where, in what subject, and more importantly, why?

Periodically I will look into programs at nearby schools, or programs with significant scholarships (student loans are NOT an option for me right now), or programs that I could complete entirely online.

I have looked at counseling programs, education programs, generic fine arts programs where you don't specialize in anything in particular, adventure therapy programs, and even theater for costume construction,

But here's the thing: I don't know what I would do with a master's degree, even if I had one.

Many jobs I have wanted to apply for at Elon require a graduate degree, and that was holding me back.

I don't want a job, though. Or if I do, I don't know what it is or how to go about getting it.

I know that I don't want to be a full-time classroom teacher in a traditional public school. I can't deal with all of the administrative bureaucracy, but I love teaching. Substitute teaching has been a great fit for me in many ways, but I am not always well-utilized and it's often more babysitting than it is teaching.

I am too old to be earning my degree in college student affairs, but I absolutely love the work that is done within student life programs at universities like Elon.

I could spend two years earning that much-coveted school counseling degree, but would I want to use it? I'm not sure that I could operate much better in a guidance counselor position than I could in a classroom.

I'm 41 years old. I have 2 sons who will be heading to college within the next two years, and a third not far behind. They, along with my husband and aging dog, need me to be available for them. I am living in a state that I do not intend to stay in for a minute longer than I have to, so I don't want to commit to an on-campus program that will tie me to a specific location. I have no disposable income and will not go into debt for a degree that I cannot prove that I will use.

I'm stuck holding on to a dream, and I'm not sure if it's time to let that dream die or if I'm just in a long dormant phase. I need to not look at what my Facebook friends are doing and achieving. I need to focus on what I want and need.

I just don't know what that is.