January began with a blissful week of extended vacation, followed by a shortened week for MLK holiday, and 2 snow days the following week. It was very stressful because I was responsible for all the lesson planning, but I enjoyed the topic (space science) and managed to not disappoint my colleagues. I'll call that a win.
February flew by in an equally fleeting manner and now it is March.
I must admit, I am struggling with my word, confidence. I usually project an outward air of confidence (bordering on arrogance, sometimes), but inside I am a bowl of mush. A doubting, self-deprecating, questioning, helpless-feeling ball of mush who can't make decisions and is thoroughly confused.
- I did not make the bold decision to say I am not returning to my job next year when asked a few weeks ago, even though I hate about 78% of my job.
- I constantly question my choices.
- I do not trust myself.
- I do not know how to change.
I haven't been crafting much. I splurged and bought myself a set of metal stamping letters and associated tools for the primary purpose of creating something that says "confidence," but I need to follow through with that project. I'm afraid of messing up my stamping blanks as I learn.
I'm afraid of messing up as I learn.
But how can I learn without making mistakes? How can I try new things and see if I enjoy them if I am constantly holding myself back because I am afraid?
I (think) I know what I want, but I am afraid to go after it. It's big and scary and life-altering in a HUGE way. It would be easier to wait for things to unfold around me. To wait. To let life pass me by.
Can I be happy, living the way I am right now? Maybe, if you believe happiness is a choice.
Personally, I believe saying 'happiness is a choice' means you're probably lying to yourself.
I want the lies to stop.
