resigned, redux

Two years ago, I wrote a post that solidified my name choice for this blog.

I was full of heartache over loss- the loss of my home, my friends, my job... most of my life.

Two years ago, I wrote that I would move back from Louisiana in two years. #didn'thappen

A year and a half ago, I chose deliberate as my word of the year. Then, as I was working on my 2018 word of the year, I had this realization. Followed by this one.

At the beginning of June, all of my summer plans changed.

At the end of July, I resigned.

This, however, was a happy resignation. It was me following through with confidence on something that I knew I needed to do, but was too afraid of uncertainty to follow through with.

I resigned my teaching position. The one I took on a whim. The one that made me miserable for the better part of last year.

I don't know what I'm going to do now, and that's okay. I believe in myself. I am learning to trust myself again. It's a beautiful and scary process filled with a lot of tears, but I am so relieved to be back on track. I am paving my own happiness.

Marching forth

(because today is March 4th. See what I did there?)

January began with a blissful week of extended vacation, followed by a shortened week for MLK holiday, and 2 snow days the following week. It was very stressful because I was responsible for all the lesson planning, but I enjoyed the topic (space science) and managed to not disappoint my colleagues. I'll call that a win.

February flew by in an equally fleeting manner and now it is March.

I must admit, I am struggling with my word, confidence. I usually project an outward air of confidence (bordering on arrogance, sometimes), but inside I am a bowl of mush. A doubting, self-deprecating, questioning, helpless-feeling ball of mush who can't make decisions and is thoroughly confused.

• I did not make the bold decision to say I am not returning to my job next year when asked a few weeks ago, even though I hate about 78% of my job.
• I constantly question my choices.
• I do not trust myself.
• I do not know how to change.

I haven't been crafting much. I splurged and bought myself a set of metal stamping letters and associated tools for the primary purpose of creating something that says "confidence," but I need to follow through with that project. I'm afraid of messing up my stamping blanks as I learn.

I'm afraid of messing up as I learn.

But how can I learn without making mistakes? How can I try new things and see if I enjoy them if I am constantly holding myself back because I am afraid?

I (think) I know what I want, but I am afraid to go after it. It's big and scary and life-altering in a HUGE way. It would be easier to wait for things to unfold around me. To wait. To let life pass me by. 

Can I be happy, living the way I am right now? Maybe, if you believe happiness is a choice. 

Personally, I believe saying 'happiness is a choice' means you're probably lying to yourself.

I want the lies to stop. 

Half a year later

As you can read from those last two posts, I did something at the end of July that took me in a completely different direction than I had anticipated.

Apparently, I had also intended to blog about my experiences teaching middle school on a separate blog (hence the two posts I just found)

But in the words of Sweet Brown- "ain't nobody got time for that."

Too much has happened in the last five months to even begin to write about it all, but let's just summarize with this statement:

I forgot about my word of the year.

I took a full-time teaching job on a whim- the exact opposite of being deliberate. It has proven to be a decision that I regret on an almost daily basis.

I completely forgot about this blog until about 6 weeks ago, and even then I only recalled my word of the year. I did not go back and read anything I had written on this blog until yesterday. And, y'all- I cannot begin to tell you the amount of heartache I could have saved myself if I had, because as I am rereading what I wrote in the first half of 2017, nearly everything that has happened since then is in direct contrast to what I intended.

Let's take away the "has happened" and be honest: these things did not just happen. I put myself in a place where I would let them happen, and in some cases even deliberately pursued them.

A few weeks ago, I realized that deliberate had irrevocably been thrown out the window, and there was no way to undo that.  And if you can't undo something, what can you do but keep moving forward? 

Today, especially, I am looking forward, but to do that I also need to take a long, deliberate look back. I didn't realize how much introspection I had done while writing here, and how therapeutic it is.

As I'm rereading my past year I'm intrigued to find that the end of summer/beginning of school seems to be a falling-off point in blogging for me, based on this post.

Lots to think about.

Use it up

My primary focus in choosing the word deliberate as my word of the year was finishing up craft projects and not buying new craft supplies without a specific purpose. I have meditated on this old proverb for several years, and want to incorporate it more into my habits (and purchases).

Actually, I am really dying to cross stitch it as some sort of sampler, but that doesn't help my myriad of unfinished projects, does it? Maybe it will be a reward for me, when I finish up all of my current works in progress.

Here are reports on my progress from three different craft fronts.

Knitting Over the holiday break, I knitted four hats! One for my son, one for my niece, and two because I had yarn without a purpose and a 14+ hour round trip to my sister-in-law's house for Christmas. I also tried to continue knitting a second sock that was about 58% done, but for the life of me I could not figure out where I left off in the instructions or how to make it the same as the first one. I unravelled it to a point where I thought I knew what was going on, knit about 2 more inches on it, and then unravelled the whole thing because I still wasn't satisfied! I thought about just starting over, but then I wasn't sure I had followed the directions exactly on the first sock, so I unravelled a perfectly completed sock! What can I say? Perfectionism and procrastination are conjoined twins in my world. So now I have two balls of yarn rolled, ready for me to learn to knit two socks at one time... eventually...

Cross Stitch I have so many projects pinned, but before starting ANY of them, I am going to finish what I have already started. (cringe) You can't unravel cross-stitch like socks with the freedom to start over, so I've got my work cut out for me. I know for a fact that I'm still holding on to a project that I started in high school, and one from when I bought my first house almost 20 years ago. Both of those projects were specific to match a room or theme that no longer exists in my life, so I may give myself the grace to part with them.

One work in progress was a sampler that I intended to incorporate into a pillow cover. I am proud to report that all the work from the second zig-zag line down has been completed in the last week! I found that I had used up the light gold thread that I was using, so I still need to go back and fill in a few spots. (purchase- one skein of embroidery floss for a specific project)

Sewing This is the worst of it, y'all. I want/need to make new covers for my living room couch pillows, and a valence for my kitchen. I don't have the right fabrics for these projects, but am allowing myself to purchase them if I find what I need at a reasonable price. The first project on my list to tackle was a requested Superman bib for my nephew's first birthday party. Being the mom of boys, I had a lot of superhero fabric in my stash, but apparently I gave it all away in my pre-moving destash of 2015. 

A craft/fabric store like JoAnn's is to me like a liquor store is to an alcoholic: a huge temptation-fest with the capactity for things to go very wrong, very quickly. But I had to buy Superman fabric for the bib, so off to the store I went. I petted lots of fabrics. I told lots of fabrics they were lovely. But in the end, I walked out with only Superman fabric (just a bit more than what I needed for the bib, but it was justified!) and a remnant fabric that will become couch pillows. Everything else for the two bibs- as well as the matching skirt I made for my niece- came from my stash. Use it up, indeed!

Word of the year

2 years ago, I came up with the concept of having a word of the year. A word that would (hopefully) guide my thoughts and actions in the coming year. My first word, for 2015, was simplify.

I had recently begun appreciating how liberating it was to get "stuff" out of my house, and wanted to continue that process with not only my physical belongings, but perhaps more importantly my time commitments and my mental clutter. We had, for several years, been wanting to sell our house and move into a different one, and I knew that I would need to do a lot of decluttering in my home in order to have it ready to sell. And, indeed, toward the end of 2015 we listed our house for sale; an event which actually inspired my 2016 word of the year: change.

We bought a lovely fixer-upper house across town at the end of 2015, so I knew a move would be happening. We had to do a LOT of major remodeling to the new house. Husband's job security was not looking good and I *hoped* a change would be happening in his employment situation. Our eldest was about to turn 16 and get his drivers license, Change was in the air!

Little did I know that our change was going to be so much bigger than I could have imagined, with my husband getting a job promotion/transfer that would require our family to relocate from North Carolina to Louisiana. Change encompassed him moving in March while I stayed in NC to wrap up the boys and I's school years, finish working on house #2 (house #1 thankfully sold in March) and prepare house #2 for sale all while packing for a cross-country move, and trying to find schools and a house in a state I had never even set foot in, from 1000 miles away.

Change came in the form of moving to a place where literally the only person I knew was the realtor who helped us buy our house. It came in learning to live with my husband again after 4 months of being a single parent. It came in understanding different cultural expectations and seeking places where I belonged.

It was during one of my many NC-LA drives (I think I've made the 14+ hour trip more than a dozen times. Matt has made it zero times, but that's a post for an angrier day) that I began thinking about what my word would be for 2017. I tossed around a lot of options. Kindness was one; it's been a rough year, politically and interpersonally. The world could use more kindness; heck- my family could use more kindness!

Kindness is a good and important word, but ultimately I chose another word that is an adjective/verb combination. I'm kinda digging words with relevant meanings in different parts of speech. Hence the title of this blog.

I spent a lot of time deliberating the word deliberate (see what I did there?), primarily in its adjective form, and have chosen it as my word of the year.

Deliberate: (adj) done consciously and intentionally. (v) to engage in long and careful consideration

I want the things I do to be deliberate. I want my time to be spent in meaningful ways, and my words to be thoughtful. I love that deliberate is an adjective that deliciously merges back into 2015's word, simplify. I want to be deliberate about what comes into my house, both in terms of physical items (I'm thinking healthy foods, quality furniture; clothing and supplies that are an investment and not a passing whim or "because it was on clearance") and the words and images that enter our minds and hearts through the people, music, television/movies/internet/games, and books that we invite into our home.

I want to intentionally finish the myriad of crafty works-in-progress in my not-yet-organized den. I desire for my money and my time to be spent well, in places that matter. I yearn for a weekly meal plan that has us using ingredients we already have on hand. Join me as I attempt to live life deliberately in 2017!