The life cycle of a dream

One of my only regrets thus far in my life is not going to graduate school.

When I was 23 years old, I was accepted to a full-time Masters in School Counseling program at Wake Forest University (go Deacs!) It was a two year program, and it was fully covered by scholarship.

Yes, you read that correctly.

I had a free ride for the masters program of my dreams at the school of my dreams.

And a month later, I found out I was pregnant.

It was not planned, nor was it unwelcome, but it did mean that there was no way I could be enrolled in a demanding, non-stop program.

I was blessed to receive a deferral, with admission secured for the following year's cohort. My son would be 8 months old, my husband would be working, and I would be a full-time graduate student. My mom lived nearby at the time and was even available to babysit for free. Things were looking great!

Except they weren't.

My mom was living nearby because she had left her marriage to my father. She was also undergoing treatment for breast cancer. In addition to those stressors AND graduate school, I had to suddenly wean my son to take a strong antibiotic. I didn't realize until several years later what a profound hormonal effect this had on me, but it really sent me into a tailspin. A month into my program, I started having debilitating panic attacks and suffering from major depression.

Ironically, I had to drop out of counseling school because I needed counseling, myself.

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Almost seventeen years later, I have never lost sight of the idea of trying to earn my graduate degree. But where, in what subject, and more importantly, why?

Periodically I will look into programs at nearby schools, or programs with significant scholarships (student loans are NOT an option for me right now), or programs that I could complete entirely online.

I have looked at counseling programs, education programs, generic fine arts programs where you don't specialize in anything in particular, adventure therapy programs, and even theater for costume construction,

But here's the thing: I don't know what I would do with a master's degree, even if I had one.

Many jobs I have wanted to apply for at Elon require a graduate degree, and that was holding me back.

I don't want a job, though. Or if I do, I don't know what it is or how to go about getting it.

I know that I don't want to be a full-time classroom teacher in a traditional public school. I can't deal with all of the administrative bureaucracy, but I love teaching. Substitute teaching has been a great fit for me in many ways, but I am not always well-utilized and it's often more babysitting than it is teaching.

I am too old to be earning my degree in college student affairs, but I absolutely love the work that is done within student life programs at universities like Elon.

I could spend two years earning that much-coveted school counseling degree, but would I want to use it? I'm not sure that I could operate much better in a guidance counselor position than I could in a classroom.

I'm 41 years old. I have 2 sons who will be heading to college within the next two years, and a third not far behind. They, along with my husband and aging dog, need me to be available for them. I am living in a state that I do not intend to stay in for a minute longer than I have to, so I don't want to commit to an on-campus program that will tie me to a specific location. I have no disposable income and will not go into debt for a degree that I cannot prove that I will use.

I'm stuck holding on to a dream, and I'm not sure if it's time to let that dream die or if I'm just in a long dormant phase. I need to not look at what my Facebook friends are doing and achieving. I need to focus on what I want and need.

I just don't know what that is.

Accidentally deliberate

I'm on Facebook way too much. In addition to keeping up with friends, I also use it to follow a few organizations, blogs, and businesses. I remember seeing something about a challenge involving giving up sugar for 21 days, and thought that it sounded like a neat idea but one that would be more complicated than I wanted to involve myself in. I must have seen a second post reminding followers that the challenge was beginning on Monday, January 9.

I don't drink much soda. I stopped putting sugar in my coffee several months ago, but have recently been treating myself to some white chocolate raspberry creamer (ohmygosh, it is SOOOOO good!) My guilty beverage of choice is "sweet" tea, but if I have the opportunity I always get it mixed half sweet, half unsweet. My real struggle is candy and baked goods. I have no qualms treating myself to a handful of peanut m&m's when I walk by an open bag. If I make a dessert and my family isn't eating it fast enough, I'll eat more than my share to make sure food isn't wasted. I'm just helpful like that. Of course, the holidays bring more candy and more baked goods, so trying to live without them for a few weeks would definitely do me good (and might even help me shed that elusive 10 pounds that accumulated since my metabolism crashed at age 35...) Still, I had no intention in taking part in the challenge.

Until I woke up on Monday morning, January 9.

I didn't have a job that day, so after taking my kids to school I decided to cook an egg for breakfast, and eat it on some toast with leftover bacon. I was so proud of myself! Yes, the bacon had a little bit of sugar in it and so did the bread, but otherwise it was a sugar-free breakfast, supplemented by coffee with half & half. As the day wore on, I continued to seek out foods without sugar from my pantry and refrigerator but found my supply very much lacking, I had no intention of doing the challenge for 21 days, but I figured I could probably hang with it for a few days so I bought some Triscuits, rice cakes, tortilla chips & salsa.

I started researching food options, searching for lists of prepared items that don't have sugar added. It was hard, but not as hard as I expected, nor as expensive. I discovered Larabars- who knew dates were magically sweet and can morph into any flavor??? I read a lot of labels. I invested in fresh fruits and vegetables. The Greek salad dressing in my fridge didn't contain sugar, and neither do flour tortillas, potato chips, or Tyson's chicken tenders. Garlic salt, instant mashed potatoes, and flavored yogurt do. And plain Greek yogurt is disgusting, even if you mix frozen berries into it.

It's actually been a very liberating experience; the ONLY thing required is giving up sugar, and you get to decide how strict you want to be about that (some people are using honey or Stevia). No exercising, no food tracking, no specialty shakes. Just avoid sugar and artificial sweeteners.

The first Friday rolled around and despite a few moments of temptation, I was going strong... when I left for a weekend of camping with my Boy Scout troop. This was my first time camping with them, and I didn't want the other leader guys to make fun of me for being on a "diet." But I did it, unobtrusively not eating any of the few things containing sugar!

A real crisis occurred this Wednesday morning when my half & half curdled in my coffee and I had to pour a new cup... and use the yummy creamer. I ate Domino's pizza, which I'm sure has some sugar in the crust and sauce. But I'm still eating a lot more fruits & vegetables and being deliberate about having them available and ready to eat. I even had a dream the other night that I drank part of a Coke, and I felt very guilty in my dream because I slipped up in my challenge!

I'm not sure if I will make it the entire 21 days; my cousin is getting married next weekend and there is going to be lots of good food. Still, I'm going to try my best. I'm not sure what will happen on day 22, if I'll allow myself some sugar or if I'll join in on the next "get healthy" challenge (I imagine there will be more). For now, I am grateful that I stumbled across this challenge, and I'm proud of myself for the discipline I've shown over the past 2 weeks.

Flicker

The flicker of a campfire, the wind in the pines 

The moon in the heavens, the stars that shine 

A place where people gather to make friends of all kinds 

A place where all our troubles are always left behind 

So give me the light of a campfire, warm and bright 

And give me some friends to sing with; I'll be here all night 

Love is for those who find it; I found mine right here 

Just you and me and the campfire and songs we love to hear

I just returned from another weekend in the woods with my Boy Scout troop. I was literally among the pines, under the stars, with friends, around the campfire. The daytime temperatures were in the low 70's and it didn't dip below the mid-50's at night. I can't imagine a more ideal way to spend a long January weekend.

This was my first "real" camping trip with the troop my boys and I joined when we moved to Louisiana, and I am so grateful for the instant camaraderie we find in Scouting. I know I will always find a group of trustworthy individuals who share my love of the outdoors and commitment to teaching young people. Scouts are my go-to people any time I have questions about anything (and I have a lot of questions about life in Louisiana; God bless my fellow leaders' patience with me!) Often our political, religious, and cultural viewpoints differ, but I have never been involved in a discussion with a fellow Scouter where tempers flared over ideology.

When I am camping, I do my best to use my phone as a camera & clock only, and stay off of social media. I returned to wi-fi in the real world this morning and was instantly bombarded with rants from Facebook friends (and truly, they are friends, just hurt & angry & divided) about whatever hit the news cycle over the weekend. We are less than 4 days from the inauguration of a very controversial, unorthodox, and divisive president. The ugliness is not going to end anytime soon.

Which brings me back to the woods: when you are camping, the real world doesn't exist. I didn't hear a single thing about anything in the real world (aside from the broadcast of an NFL post-season game for a devoted fan; it was actually a pleasant accompaniment to our dinner preparations). And it didn't matter. We were happy. We got along, We spent the entire weekend outside. We cooked all of our meals over a fire. If I felt it was refreshing and therapeutic for me, I am even happier about the effects of the weekend on the 9 young men we took with us.

This group of eleven to seventeen year-olds has 3 members who moved to the area from different states in the past 5 months. They go to 6 different schools. Some of them have medical and behavioral and familial challenges. I doubt that ANY of them would voluntarily have spent more than 15 minutes out of doors this weekend, had we not been camping. Most of them would have been glued to a screen of some sort. 

But this rag-tag group of young men had the time of their lives this weekend. A game that seemed to be a zombie mash-up of capture the flag and flashlight tag had them running around in an open field for hours in the dark. The older Scouts taught camping skills to the younger ones. They played card games and identified constellations and divided up campsite chores. They hiked to a vacant treehouse village campsite and created a war game involving pinecone grenades that kept them entertained and exercising. 

And while all of this occurred, the other leaders and I stood aside and supervised. We let boys be boys, outside, where they belong. We guided and corrected when necessary, but very little was necessary. 

This, friends. THIS should be our real world. 

Of socks and mittens

We had a cold spell in NW Louisiana last weekend- as in, the high temperature never made it above freezing for two days! And despite the fact that there was once a snowflake on my weather app, the best I got was 5 minutes of tiny flurry flakes on Friday afternoon. Meanwhile, in central NC, my friends were bombarded with the loveliest 8+" of snow the following day. I enjoyed it vicariously through their social media posts, but oh how I yearned to be there in it!

I hunkered down inside my own home, almost as if I were snowbound in NC. I cooked and crafted and even played games with my family (those of you who know how I detest games will understand that this is HUGE). I made excellent progress on my Phoenix Rising cross-stitch.

A little background on this cross stitch project: I started it, on a whim, during a summer vacation trip in 2014. I wanted to make something Elon-y and I found a lovely sampler that fit the bill. A quick re-working of the color scheme to maroon and gold had me hooked... temporarily. I know I worked on it again during a trip to the family compound in SC, but for the most part it has spent its time tucked away in my cross stitch box. Don't worry- it had plenty of company!

I cast on for a new knitting project, as well. My youngest- my baby who is almost 13, and has hands nearly the same size as mine, asked me to make him a pair of mittens. How could I refuse this precious request, especially knowing that in a year or so (if they survive being worn by a teenage boy), they will be mine? His requested colors were light blue and charcoal gray, and I knew I didn't have anything in my stash that would fit the bill. You see, I wanted to use a nice, worsted weight yarn that would knit up quickly.

As I dug through my yarns, I found a 9/10 completed sock made with a skein of fingering weight yarn given to me by someone who didn't have the patience for small, intricate knitting. It wasn't anything I would have chosen for myself, but it did have the requested shades of blue & gray. Fresh off a recent unraveling spree, I knew what the obvious choice should be, but I still dreaded undoing the many hours that went into that sock, and the the tedium of many more hours of tiny stitches.

Another so-close-to-complete sock unraveled, and a mitten begun. For a week that began with temperatures well below freezing and ended with 3 days in the mid-70's, it sometimes felt silly to be knitting mittens. Cold days will be back, all too soon, and hopefully when they arrive I will be ready to warm a small but growing pair of hands.

Use it up

My primary focus in choosing the word deliberate as my word of the year was finishing up craft projects and not buying new craft supplies without a specific purpose. I have meditated on this old proverb for several years, and want to incorporate it more into my habits (and purchases).

Actually, I am really dying to cross stitch it as some sort of sampler, but that doesn't help my myriad of unfinished projects, does it? Maybe it will be a reward for me, when I finish up all of my current works in progress.

Here are reports on my progress from three different craft fronts.

Knitting Over the holiday break, I knitted four hats! One for my son, one for my niece, and two because I had yarn without a purpose and a 14+ hour round trip to my sister-in-law's house for Christmas. I also tried to continue knitting a second sock that was about 58% done, but for the life of me I could not figure out where I left off in the instructions or how to make it the same as the first one. I unravelled it to a point where I thought I knew what was going on, knit about 2 more inches on it, and then unravelled the whole thing because I still wasn't satisfied! I thought about just starting over, but then I wasn't sure I had followed the directions exactly on the first sock, so I unravelled a perfectly completed sock! What can I say? Perfectionism and procrastination are conjoined twins in my world. So now I have two balls of yarn rolled, ready for me to learn to knit two socks at one time... eventually...

Cross Stitch I have so many projects pinned, but before starting ANY of them, I am going to finish what I have already started. (cringe) You can't unravel cross-stitch like socks with the freedom to start over, so I've got my work cut out for me. I know for a fact that I'm still holding on to a project that I started in high school, and one from when I bought my first house almost 20 years ago. Both of those projects were specific to match a room or theme that no longer exists in my life, so I may give myself the grace to part with them.

One work in progress was a sampler that I intended to incorporate into a pillow cover. I am proud to report that all the work from the second zig-zag line down has been completed in the last week! I found that I had used up the light gold thread that I was using, so I still need to go back and fill in a few spots. (purchase- one skein of embroidery floss for a specific project)

Sewing This is the worst of it, y'all. I want/need to make new covers for my living room couch pillows, and a valence for my kitchen. I don't have the right fabrics for these projects, but am allowing myself to purchase them if I find what I need at a reasonable price. The first project on my list to tackle was a requested Superman bib for my nephew's first birthday party. Being the mom of boys, I had a lot of superhero fabric in my stash, but apparently I gave it all away in my pre-moving destash of 2015. 

A craft/fabric store like JoAnn's is to me like a liquor store is to an alcoholic: a huge temptation-fest with the capactity for things to go very wrong, very quickly. But I had to buy Superman fabric for the bib, so off to the store I went. I petted lots of fabrics. I told lots of fabrics they were lovely. But in the end, I walked out with only Superman fabric (just a bit more than what I needed for the bib, but it was justified!) and a remnant fabric that will become couch pillows. Everything else for the two bibs- as well as the matching skirt I made for my niece- came from my stash. Use it up, indeed!