So, as it turns out,

I don't hate Louisiana.

It took moving away and being gone for 3 months to understand that it's not the state or even the location within the state that made me so unhappy for the last 3 years.

I arrived back at my old house in Friday night after a 16 hour journey which was tedious but went quickly thanks to the book I was listening to: 9 Perfect Strangers by Liane Moriarty. It was the perfectly light and indulgent story to distract me during the drive.

Let's be clear about a few important points:

• I still dislike this house. I dislike even more that it is on the market but is soooooo far from my standards of being market ready. I'm trying my best to let go and let my husband handle selling it because it is "his" house but OMG I may actually go crazy before the week is over. I did not drive all this way to spend my precious time off to clean up and pack up a house when I have my own house in NC that needs so much attention, but... here I am. Sigh.
• It still feels isolated. Shreveport/Bossier is a decent metro area, but beyond this you have to drive 3 hours toward Dallas to find anything new/different. The other towns within that radius are the same size or smaller and offer little in the way of entertainment options.

With those disclaimers out of the way, here are a few things that I actually miss about this place:

• Birds. I forgot how many types of birds visit my yard here (even though the bird feeder is MIA). It has been a delight to watch and listen to them as I enjoy my morning coffee.
• Wind. I have no idea what meteorological phenomenon is at work, but this corner of the world always has the nicest breezes, which sometimes turn into downright blustery days. I adore wind, perhaps because I grew up in the breezy bay area of California. Breezes like this are not common in the piedmont of North Carolina. In fact, compared to the atmosphere here, the air there is downright stagnant.
• My people. I did a pretty good job of keeping myself walled off for the first half of the year when I moved here. I didn't want to form a lot of relationships because I knew this was not my home and I would not be staying. But dammit if I didn't meet some of the best friends I've ever had. I frontloaded my visit by seeing a lot of them on Saturday and I must admit that I found myself wondering if I wouldn't have been better off staying here, among them.

No time for second-guessing- I made my choice and did what I thought was best by moving back to work on my house. 

Still, I am secretly glad to be leaving 2 college students behind in this area so I'll have a reason to keep coming back for a few years.

Learn to sit

Tonight I went to a yoga class for the first time in almost 2 months. I have been so busy with school, my house, and scouts that I haven't carved out time for self-care, and it's starting to show.

It was a deep stretch where we settled into poses and held them for 3-4 minutes, which can seem like 3-4 hours when your body is contorted into unnatural positions. To be honest I'm not a huge fan of this particular yoga studio, but it's close to my house and has $10 community classes on Sundays. It's been very crowded both times I've been, with 35+ people squeezed in like sardines and most of them were very noisy/chatty prior to the class beginning. Factor that into my physically out-of-practice self; it makes for a place that I was not able to fully relax and focus.

As we were settled into one of our poses, the instructor reminded us that we need to work through our distraction and fidgety natures and learn to sit with what is uncomfortable.

I reflected on several people I know who are sitting with what is uncomfortable this week. A friend whose parents are downsizing the family home to move into a retirement village. Another friend grappling with broken relationships with teenage children. Dear young friends of mine who gave birth to their first child who died an hour later. This is heavy stuff. My woes of a strenuous workload and time-sensitive house projects pale in comparison.

Yet, it is all discomfort to varying degrees. We cannot escape it. We can attempt to dull the pain chemically, we can seek comfort in religion, and we can reach out to friends and therapists. But ultimately, we have to sit with it and be still until the pain passes. Because this, too, will pass.

Living My Best Li(f)e

I was thinking about a year-end summary the other day, and wanted to make it about the phrase "Living My Best Life." I jotted down a note on my iPhone to remind myself about this idea, and somehow never made contact with the "f" on the keyboard.

Living My Best Lie

This couldn't be more appropriate.

During my 2018 journey through self-discovery, I uncovered the fact that I have been unconsciously living a lie. Like, for a long time.

A new-ish friend asked me what I was like in high school, and I thought back to my whimsical, insouciant, independent, determined teenage self. It's been a while since I've seen her for more than a few hours at a time.

Then,

I serendipitously got a job at summer camp this year and felt more alive than I have in years.

I tried teaching in a public school classroom again after nearly 20 years, and felt so constrained and ineffective despite the fact that I love (and am good at) teaching.

And as I processed all of this, I realized I have lost contact with the real me. This move to Louisiana (2.5 years now, y'all) has been so hard, but without it I don't think I would have come to understand these things about myself.

• I would have kept on living the life I had been for the past 20-odd years, doing the things I felt were expected of me. Things that were "appropriate." 
• I would have kept being (surface) friends with the same people who had comprised my circle as a young wife and mother.
• I would have participated in the same groups and activities out of obligation, not out of desire or enthusiasm.
• I would have continued to do small, fun things (and often feel guilty about it) because I was afraid to do bigger, bolder fun things.

I know this, because I felt myself wanting to change before I moved here, but I didn't know how to break free and be authentic to myself.

The past 5 months of intentional unemployment have been a liberating time to realign my internal compass. I traveled to Maui to visit my brother. I resumed working on my beloved blue house in Gibsonville, logging thousands of miles on my car, thousands of dollars to my bank account, and thousands of hours to be alone and think. I read a lot, crafted a lot, dreamed a lot. 

I can't say exactly what my best life is going to look like; it's something I'm discovering each day. 

Welcome, 2019.

Welcome, my best life.