Wednesday, May 24, 2017

in knots

3 weeks ago, my job was posted.

Today, I have a phone interview, and my stomach is in knots.

I am interviewing for a position that I held just 362 days ago. I know every question that is on the interview sheet; I asked these questions of candidates when I helped conduct this same interview last year to find my replacement. I know the interviewers; they were coworkers and supervisors for 3 years. I'd like to say I have nothing to be nervous about, but that would be a lie.

I'm nervous that they might say yes. I'm nervous about asking my kids to leave the friends they just made when they moved to Louisiana 10.5 months ago. Today is the last day of school here. What if they're never going back to their schools here? Last year they knew they were saying goodbye to school friends in NC, at least temporarily. They would be thrilled to reconnect at their old schools if we move back, not to mention they'd get almost an entire extra month of summer vacation due to schedule differences.

This is not a place we'd return to, though. When we leave, it will be a permanent move. I certainly don't plan to make the 30 hour round-trip drive just so teenagers can visit their friends, but I don't want to invalidate their feelings because they have actually made some good friends here. I can't even ask them if they'd want to move back, though, not until I know if it is a valid option. It would've devastating to get them thinking about moving back, only to find out that I didn't get the job.

I walked out of my school today with kids asking if I would be back next year. I couldn't resoundingly tell them yes, because I may not. "I plan to" was the best response I could muster, because I will most likely be substitute teaching there if this is where I live.

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In other knot news, I came across a baggie full of hemp cord while I was cleaning up the other day. As I think back on it, macrame was one of the first crafts I learned, using this book.
BOOK ONLY # 886 Macrame for Ages 8 and Up - Beginner Patterns & Instructions
I made a LOT of really ugly plant holders when I was in elementary school! God bless my aunt who graciously accepted them, and I think to this day may be using one on her porch.

The knots and patterns came back to me quickly and I put together this little bracelet. Knots are much better worn as jewelry than in the stomach. 







Saturday, May 20, 2017

inspiration

I spend a lot of time on Facebook; mostly lurking, rarely posting. I can't help it. I love to know what people are talking about and see pictures of what they're doing. I often draw motivation to create when I see pictures of what my friends are creating.

One of my dearest friends surprised me a few months ago when she started posting pictures of colorful yarn creations, which was a departure from her usual mediums of painting and flowers. I am consistently encouraged by her truth-speaking motivational posts and I love seeing her passionate spirit at work in everything she does.

For her birthday, I chose to cross stitch the lyrics from an Indigo Girls song that has been on my heart for several years now as our friends and fellow citizens become more divided than ever by politics, beliefs, prejudices, and the like.


Let it be me
(this is not a fighting song)
Let it be me
(not a wrong for a wrong)
Let it be me
If the world is night
Shine my life like a light




I found inspiration on the Pinterest page of another friend. I've gotten to the point where I instinctively know whose pin I'm seeing on my feed, even before I see the name, because I'm familiar with boards they have created. This sweet friend recently lost her mother very unexpectedly. She lives far away from me and seinding a sympathy card seemed like such a meaningless gesture. I rarely talk to her, but I know so much about her through her social media pages. Recently, she's been pinning a lot of bee related images, and I felt urged to cross stitch a simple bee emblem for her.


Saturday, May 6, 2017

summer camp pajamas


In the Spring, a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love

With apologies to Alfred, Lord Tennyson, in the spring a not-so-young woman's fancy strongly turns to thoughts of summer camp (which pretty much equals love for me).

I had a long summer camp hiatus when my kids were growing up, but I got back as soon as I could. In 2010, I was able to go to a 3 night Cub Scout camp with my two older boys. I went in 2013 and 2014 with my youngest son, and graduated to Boy Scout camp with all 3 of them for the past 2 summers.

Prior to my 2010 camp experience, I felt compelled to make myself a new pair or pajama shorts. I'm not sure what I was wearing at home at the time, but I instinctively knew that summer camp was an occasion for new pajamas.

One of the summer camps I used to work at holds a staff reunion weekend every other year; I got to attend in 2011 and, wouldn't you know it, ended up making a pair of pajama pants for the occasion. When I realized this camp/pajama connection in my life a few weeks ago it was like a light bulb went off: "pajama breakfast" was a weekly event at both camps I worked at, and it was definitely an occasion to dress up for! Of course, pajama breakfast is not a thing in Boy Scouts, but I do need to look presentable for late night/early morning trips to the latrine.


Sadly, I wore out my 2010 pajama shorts and found myself in need of a new pair, so I scoured Pinterest for a pattern to use up some of my fabric. To say I have a lot of fabric is a gross understatement, but I tend to hoard it and save each piece for just the right project. I have some fabrics that were given to me and while I didn't particularly like them, they were good quality and at least a yard so I knew I would use them for something, someday.


The colors in this fabric are NOT my colors; I never in a million years would have purchased this fabric, but  it instantly came to mind when I discovered the free City Gym Shorts pattern & tutorial by Purl Soho.  I initially planned to use an orchid colored bias tape for the trim, but I LOVE how the turquoise pops against these warm pastel hues. Incidentally, I made the bias tape myself- it was my first time doing so and certainly won't be my last! It won't be my last time using this pattern, either. I am crazy in love with the bias tape and curved hemline.


For my next pair, I plan to draft side front pockets, and change the waistband up a little bit, but I'm definitely hooked! The tutorial was well written and easy to follow, and it's easy enough for someone with very little sewing experience.





house projects, revisited

Last year at this time, I was elbow-deep in home repairs & renovations as I simultaneously tried to make my house livable AND get it ready to sell (all while holding down a job, single-parenting 3 teen- and tween-aged boys, and packing up to move across the country)

Honestly? I miss house projects so much! When we were shopping for a house in Louisiana, I was pretty burned out from the remodeling scene. My purchasing criteria revolved largely around the move-in readiness of the house, and we settled on a house that was built in 2006, which is 3 decades newer than any house we'd ever owned before! The paint colors were great, the flooring was acceptable, and in we moved.

Carpet ran through the living room, down the hall into the den, and into all bedrooms. It was 10 years old and cheap, but neutral. The large kitchen/dining area was demarcated by vinyl tile which was in good enough shape and looked nice, but the division line between the carpet and title was too glaring for me. I've also surmised that Louisianians are not huge fans of carpet in the main areas of the house, as evidenced by the many, many tiled and wood/laminate floored living rooms I visited while house hunting.

A few months ago we committed to a unified floor for the living room, kitchen, and hallway, and purchased a dark hickory laminate from Home Depot. Because the area being covered was so large (and mostly because there are a million angles and things to cut around). we splurged on professional installation. The company came out and measured, we placed the order and Matt picked up all the materials to save on delivery costs.

2 months and a few subfloor issues later, we're ready for installation later this week. The carpet was ripped out over a month and a half ago (we've been living with plywood floors and relocated furniture... but that's another story), and the final step was removing the vinyl tiles from the kitchen. They're 12" x 24" and STICKY... and it's a big room. We can't take it all out right now because STICKY, but we can't leave it all for the night before because this stuff it a major pain to remove. I pulled about 10 tiles last night and had to stop. My hands hurt so much! The effort requires a combination of crowbar (which gets STICKY) and peeling tiles back by hand (hands also get STICKY) and lots of bending over and kneeling on the floor.

vinyl sticky tiles over sheet vinyl. classy.

Today I paid a kid $10 to pull up 30 tiles and it was the best money I've spent in a long time. He's on to how much work it is and I'm not sure he's desperate enough for money to do 30 more... and there's about 200 more that have to come up before Wednesday morning.

Side note- the dog doesn't understand sticky floor residue and seeing him get stuck when he walks across the area where we've removed the tile is hilarious. It doesn't seem to hurt or bother him, but the sound his paws make when he tries to walk is awesome.

Friday, May 5, 2017

just. say. no.

I was asked to go on a trip that I really wanted to go on.

I was needed on this trip.

I tried to find ways to make it work, but the timing just wasn't right.

----------

I am selfish. I want what I want, when I want it, and I don't want to pay for it. Gimme gimme gimme.

I am an adult, and a mother, and a wife. I have obligations and commitments that I can't shake off. I can't buy things I can't afford, and go places just because I want to.

----------

I said no to the trip.

---------

Not right away.

I thought about it for a long time, and one morning I woke up with a complete peace that saying no was the right thing.

But I still didn't say no.

Someone, that very evening that I decided to say no, had me second guessing my choice.

So I went on trying to think of ways to justify doing something that I wasn't even sure I wanted to do, anymore.

Making choices can be paralyzing. Commitment can feel oppressive. Doubt can pull you under.

-----------

I did say no. And now it's an official no and I don't have to think about it anymore.

I wanted to do it, but the timing wasn't right, so I made the adult decision and said no.



But apparently I'm not done saying no.

~~~~~~

This job thing has got me all kinds of heart-wrenchingly torn.

I want it. I want this job again. I want to move back to North Carolina. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SEEMS RIGHT... except it's not.

~~~~~~

My husband is not onboard with moving right now.

And in my heart, I know it's not time. I feel like my work here is not done. I don't want to be here, but I know I'm not done and that's the worst kind of paradoxical hole to be in. To have not just a rope thrown to you to help you climb out of a deep well, but to be sent some kind of hoverboard platform to gently rise you out. A sparkly hoverboard at that. One that it would make no sense in the world not to climb onto.

And so I hesitate. I waiver. I decide, and then recant, and then change my mind again.

I will.

I won't.

Can't I just try? Can't I just see if it's a yes? And if it is a yes, then I can decide?

~~~~~~

I can't stand the not knowing, the "what if."

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

something has changed within me

I usually look on the job boards for Elon about once a week, to see if anything new and interesting has opened up. Why Elon? Well, because it's home and it's comfortable and it's familiar. I truly did LOVE working there and I miss my interactions with college students. It's where I bELONg (yes, I know it's cheesy but it's an Elon thing and I will do it until I die).

I've seen a few job postings that I would be a good candidate for, but none of them interested me enough to even consider applying. I still follow several Elon departments on social media and saw a Twitter post indicating that a favorite staff member of mine was going to retire, so of course I immediately went to the job postings to see if the listing for that position was up yet [this is just a person I know and have worked with, not someone whose job I wanted to snatch up.]

And then it happened.

My job was listed.

Not my job exactly, but a parallel job that has the exact same responsibilities, only in a different location on campus.

Even better? This position is full-time (hello, benefits!) without being 40 hours a week, 50 weeks a year.

And yet...

I'm (?) not ready (?) to go back yet (?)

I know, right?

What even????

My entire existence for the last 10 months has been figuring out how to get away from Louisiana and move back home. And dammit, despite myself, I have settled in here. I have formed relationships that I'm not ready to sever.

I still want to move back with every fiber of my being, but I have done such a monumental job of telling myself that it will be at least another year before Matt will be ready to consider looking for another job, that I actually don't know what I even want anymore.

But I don't want it -

No - I can't want it
Anymore

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same

(to be continued)



Monday, May 1, 2017

a three hour tour

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
a tale of a fateful trip,
that started from this tropic port,
aboard this tiny ship.

The mate was a mighty sailin' man,

the Skipper brave and sure,
five passengers set sail that day,
for a three hour tour,
a three hour tour.



12:30 pm

12 boys and 3 leaders board a tiny ship small church bus to drive to Dallas (estimated travel time, 3 hours). Trip itinerary includes touring the National Scout Museum, rock climbing, an overnight stay and a Dallas Rangers baseball game the following day. Depart from the non-tropic port of Shreveport. Gilligan at the wheel, the Skipper and Mary Ann on navigational duties.


1:30 pm, Longview TX

Gilligan, Skipper and Mary Ann hear an odd flapping noise and pull the Minnow over to see what's happening under the hood. Broken serpentine belt. Church bus insurance company does not respond to calls on the weekend. Finally find a mechanic who will bring the part to the bus and repair it. Move boys across the street to Taco Bell and settle in for the duration.

5:15 pm

After several trips to and from the parts shop, the bus is fixed. Museum visit is now void, but rock climbing is still on when we arrive in Dallas in 2 hours.

The weather started getting rough,

the tiny ship was tossed.

If not for the courage of the fearless crew
the Minnow would be lost.
The Minnow would be lost.


(from this point forward, all posts should be read with tornado alert sirens imagined in the background, because that was our soundtrack for the next 4+ hours)

5:30 pm, Lindale TX

Tornado warnings nudge us off the road for a dinner stop at Cracker Barrel. Actual verified tornadoes on the ground 40 miles to the west, blocking our passage to Dallas.

6:30 pm

Dinner eaten, and tornadoes north of the interstate. Back on the road. 

7:15 pm, Van TX

Back off the road. Our personal NOAA weatherman advised that new tornadoes were continuing to form 10 miles to the west of us. Gather boys into a gas station restaurant. Gilligan reconfigures a plan to bypass the line of storms by driving us south then up to Dallas, making the ETA for climbing wall after 10pm

8:00 pm

NOAA weatherman tells us to leave immediately and drive east as fast as we can. When NOAA man says go, you GO! 

8:15 pm

Decision is made to abort the mission and return to Shreveport for the night. Tornado warnings follow us east until we are past Longview, TX. We arrive back at the church around 10:30 pm, with plans to leave 10 hours later for the baseball game.

And we did. It was a beautiful sunny (if very windy) day, and the three-hour drive took only three hours. As we passed each place we had stopped the night before, I knew we were about to see some devastating damage that occurred along the interstate at the Canton Dodge dealership. 

Interstate traffic slowed to a crawl at the site, as each car drove slowly past, trying to take in the complete and utter devastation of the site. I didn't take any pictures; pictures can't do it justice. I did lift these from some other sites, though.


(image from http://www.thedrive.com)


Image result for canton dodge texas

(image from http://www.dallasnews.com)

The second image is the one I find more haunting, although I'm not sure why. I don't think I'll ever forget the skeleton of this building with its entrails pulled out.