just. say. no.

I was asked to go on a trip that I really wanted to go on.

I was needed on this trip.

I tried to find ways to make it work, but the timing just wasn't right.

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I am selfish. I want what I want, when I want it, and I don't want to pay for it. Gimme gimme gimme.

I am an adult, and a mother, and a wife. I have obligations and commitments that I can't shake off. I can't buy things I can't afford, and go places just because I want to.

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I said no to the trip.

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Not right away.

I thought about it for a long time, and one morning I woke up with a complete peace that saying no was the right thing.

But I still didn't say no.

Someone, that very evening that I decided to say no, had me second guessing my choice.

So I went on trying to think of ways to justify doing something that I wasn't even sure I wanted to do, anymore.

Making choices can be paralyzing. Commitment can feel oppressive. Doubt can pull you under.

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I did say no. And now it's an official no and I don't have to think about it anymore.

I wanted to do it, but the timing wasn't right, so I made the adult decision and said no.



But apparently I'm not done saying no.

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This job thing has got me all kinds of heart-wrenchingly torn.

I want it. I want this job again. I want to move back to North Carolina. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SEEMS RIGHT... except it's not.

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My husband is not onboard with moving right now.

And in my heart, I know it's not time. I feel like my work here is not done. I don't want to be here, but I know I'm not done and that's the worst kind of paradoxical hole to be in. To have not just a rope thrown to you to help you climb out of a deep well, but to be sent some kind of hoverboard platform to gently rise you out. A sparkly hoverboard at that. One that it would make no sense in the world not to climb onto.

And so I hesitate. I waiver. I decide, and then recant, and then change my mind again.

I will.

I won't.

Can't I just try? Can't I just see if it's a yes? And if it is a yes, then I can decide?

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I can't stand the not knowing, the "what if."