Half a year later

As you can read from those last two posts, I did something at the end of July that took me in a completely different direction than I had anticipated.

Apparently, I had also intended to blog about my experiences teaching middle school on a separate blog (hence the two posts I just found)

But in the words of Sweet Brown- "ain't nobody got time for that."

Too much has happened in the last five months to even begin to write about it all, but let's just summarize with this statement:

I forgot about my word of the year.

I took a full-time teaching job on a whim- the exact opposite of being deliberate. It has proven to be a decision that I regret on an almost daily basis.

I completely forgot about this blog until about 6 weeks ago, and even then I only recalled my word of the year. I did not go back and read anything I had written on this blog until yesterday. And, y'all- I cannot begin to tell you the amount of heartache I could have saved myself if I had, because as I am rereading what I wrote in the first half of 2017, nearly everything that has happened since then is in direct contrast to what I intended.

Let's take away the "has happened" and be honest: these things did not just happen. I put myself in a place where I would let them happen, and in some cases even deliberately pursued them.

A few weeks ago, I realized that deliberate had irrevocably been thrown out the window, and there was no way to undo that.  And if you can't undo something, what can you do but keep moving forward? 

Today, especially, I am looking forward, but to do that I also need to take a long, deliberate look back. I didn't realize how much introspection I had done while writing here, and how therapeutic it is.

As I'm rereading my past year I'm intrigued to find that the end of summer/beginning of school seems to be a falling-off point in blogging for me, based on this post.

Lots to think about.

Second time around (also a post from July)

I was hired 5 days before the start of the school year. Two of those days I spent in new teacher training for the entire school system. Two of them will be spent doing school-based training. And the one lonely day in the middle was fairly useless because I don't have a lot of the supplies I need and my fellow teachers were not at the school because who works on the last day of summer vacation?

I have no textbooks (the curriculum standards were changed over the summer, with no time to purchase textbooks that correspond to what I'm supposed to be teaching) and I have zero materials. To be honest, I'm a little fuzzy on what I'm even supposed to be teaching because the standards are written in very vague and lofty terms.

During the system-wide training, I was inundated with information. This is not the same profession that I started in twenty years ago. The emphasis now is on incorporating technology and improving test scores, and everything is data-driven. The formatted lesson plans I worked from last year, as a substitute teacher, were abhorrent to me. It looked like a giant, disgusting checklist and you had to make sure all of the boxes were filled with the right criteria. Everybody worked from the same type of lesson plans and there was little (if any) autonomy within your grade and subject area to do your own thing. No room for creativity. No room for fun. Just do what everybody else is doing, and don't go against the flow.

I knew all of this when I accepted the job, and knew that my administrators are very results oriented. Our school looks good on paper, and they want that to continue. I was honest with them about my concerns during my interview, so they can't say they didn't know what they were getting when they hired me.

I can work within their system, because this is my second time around.

I'm not worried.

I'm not worried about earning their approval during observations of my lessons. It's just a job, a job I chose because I want to teach young people, not because I want to be a robot teacher in their system. If they don't like what I'm doing, they will let me know and we will come to an understanding and I will leave. Hopefully it will be my choice and not theirs.

I'm not worried about ensuring that every one of my students masters every item on the syllabus because, you know what? They won't. And I can't make them.

One of the other new teachers I met this week said that her interview for this job was the hardest she'd ever experienced. I was befuddled by this statement; maybe because I was frequently part of the interviewing process in my last job, and maybe because I already knew the interviewers, but mostly because I knew they were pretty desperate to fill the position in less than a week.

My self-worth is not based on what people- even employers- think of me. This is my second time around, and I am confident in who I am and what I know my purpose to be. I don't have to have a Pinterest-worthy classroom, and I don't have to spend hours and money creating new and innovative lessons to impress students.

My purpose is to make these tweens feel loved, and accepted, and worthy. I'll be grateful if they learn some science along the way, but if they end this year believing in themselves, then that's all the validation I need.

A post from the end of July (or, why I haven't written since July)

Upon graduating from college with a degree in middle grades education, I taught in public middle schools for three years. I was young, newly married and had nothing else going on in my life. I mostly enjoyed my job, and probably would have continued teaching if not for the birth of my first child (followed by two others within the next 4 years).

I spent the better part of the next 13 years at home, and for the majority of that time frame I was either homeschooling my own children, tutoring homeschooled students of all ages, or both. A wonderful job opportunity led me to work in student affairs at a local university when my children got older, and I enjoyed that job for 3 years.

Then, we moved across the country.

We moved to a state none of us had ever been to before, where we knew no one and were literally a thousand miles away from our friends and family. I enrolled all of my children in public middle & high schools (one of them for the first time!) to encourage opportunities to make friends and get involved in our new town. But what about me? Where could I enroll myself?

I did think about literally enrolling in classes, either a new course of study at a community college or beginning to work on my master's degree in some education-related field. The knowledge that we would (hopefully) not be stationed in our new state for more than a few years stopped me from committing myself to such a lengthy and potentially very expensive undertaking that I may not be able to complete.

So I feel back into what I knew: teaching. I was hired as a substitute for the local school system, and I spent 2 months hopping from school to school, across all subjects and grades. I finally got an opportunity to work at the middle school my child attended, and after establishing myself as a trustworthy individual, found that I had enough job opportunities to work exclusively at that one school with the occasional day spent at the high school next door. I got to know the teachers and students, and it felt like home.

I found that subbing was an ideal fit for me because I could easily take a day off when I had other things to attend to, I didn't have to deal with parents, and I only had to deal with paperwork on the rarest of occasions. Still, there were weeks when I only had a day or two of work and more so than missing the financial compensation (because, let's be honest- substitute teachers are not in it for the money!), I missed being a part of the school community.

I knew there were some job openings at my school of choice, but for a variety of reasons I chose not to pursue them. My primary deterrent was being complicit in a data-driven system where standardized test scores are more important than actually teaching and mentoring young people.  I had a change of heart less than two weeks before our school year was set to begin, and mentioned to the principal that I was available and interested if a teaching position were to become available. Two days later, I received a call informing me that there was an unexpected vacancy in the 6th grade science department and would I be interested?

I said yes, and now I am days away from welcoming more than a hundred students to middle school. My classroom looks very naked compared to those around me since I long since parted with my humble stash of schoolroom supplies. I am relying on lesson plans and materials provided by my fellow 6th grade science teachers since I have no time to prepare my own.

And you know what? I am just fine.
Hakuna matata.

Campcraft

I've been out of state for 3 glorious weeks:

• 1 week at Boy Scout camp in Mississippi
• 1 week of visiting friends and family in North Carolina
• 1 week of Boy Scout camp in North Carolina

Always needing to have some small craft and not wanting to take a lot of supplies, I opted for working on an old-school friendship bracelet in Mississippi

and taught some staff members in North Carolina how to make lanyards with plastic lace, which I forgot to take pictures of

image snagged from https://wanelo.com/store/keys2please

Before leaving, I also finished my t-shirt rug!

it was no, after all

After a month of agonizing, thinking, planning, what if-ing, the door is closed.

The job that I wanted, and made it to the final interview for, was offered to someone else.

I couldn't have done anything differently or better. The interviewers/hirers know me, and know that I can do the job because I have done the job before. But they chose someone else.

I'm not going to lie. It hurt a little that someone was deemed better than me. I am very curious to find out who the new hire is (God bless the internet and the fact that I will easily be able to do this in about 2 months when websites are updated).

At the same time, I am enormously relieved that I don't have to put my kids in the position of having to make the choice about where they want to live. I have a lot of things already planned for this summer, so I'm glad that I don't have to add "pack up my life to move" to the list.

But I'm sad, too. There were so many things I was looking forward to about living in North Carolina again. Friends, food, and family will have to continue to wait for me, and I for them.

In my heart of hearts, I knew my work here was not done. I will continue to substitute teach, to lead a Scout troop, and to chaperone high school band events. I will invest in these people for another year.

And I will also have an exit strategy.

This WILL be our final year living in Louisiana. We WILL be putting our house on the market next spring. My kids and their friends and mine will know that we will be leaving at the end of next school year. Having closure in  advance, knowing that something is going to happen a year ahead of time, is a luxury that will be afforded to us.

My prayer is that we will be able to return to our home in North Carolina. My prayer is that a year's notice will be enough closure time for us. My prayer is that there are jobs waiting for my husband and I. My prayer is that we can sell this house quickly. My prayer is for patience in the waiting.

349 days to go. The countdown is back on.

in knots

3 weeks ago, my job was posted.

Today, I have a phone interview, and my stomach is in knots.

I am interviewing for a position that I held just 362 days ago. I know every question that is on the interview sheet; I asked these questions of candidates when I helped conduct this same interview last year to find my replacement. I know the interviewers; they were coworkers and supervisors for 3 years. I'd like to say I have nothing to be nervous about, but that would be a lie.

I'm nervous that they might say yes. I'm nervous about asking my kids to leave the friends they just made when they moved to Louisiana 10.5 months ago. Today is the last day of school here. What if they're never going back to their schools here? Last year they knew they were saying goodbye to school friends in NC, at least temporarily. They would be thrilled to reconnect at their old schools if we move back, not to mention they'd get almost an entire extra month of summer vacation due to schedule differences.

This is not a place we'd return to, though. When we leave, it will be a permanent move. I certainly don't plan to make the 30 hour round-trip drive just so teenagers can visit their friends, but I don't want to invalidate their feelings because they have actually made some good friends here. I can't even ask them if they'd want to move back, though, not until I know if it is a valid option. It would've devastating to get them thinking about moving back, only to find out that I didn't get the job.

I walked out of my school today with kids asking if I would be back next year. I couldn't resoundingly tell them yes, because I may not. "I plan to" was the best response I could muster, because I will most likely be substitute teaching there if this is where I live.

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In other knot news, I came across a baggie full of hemp cord while I was cleaning up the other day. As I think back on it, macrame was one of the first crafts I learned, using this book.

I made a LOT of really ugly plant holders when I was in elementary school! God bless my aunt who graciously accepted them, and I think to this day may be using one on her porch.

The knots and patterns came back to me quickly and I put together this little bracelet. Knots are much better worn as jewelry than in the stomach. 

inspiration

I spend a lot of time on Facebook; mostly lurking, rarely posting. I can't help it. I love to know what people are talking about and see pictures of what they're doing. I often draw motivation to create when I see pictures of what my friends are creating.

One of my dearest friends surprised me a few months ago when she started posting pictures of colorful yarn creations, which was a departure from her usual mediums of painting and flowers. I am consistently encouraged by her truth-speaking motivational posts and I love seeing her passionate spirit at work in everything she does.

For her birthday, I chose to cross stitch the lyrics from an Indigo Girls song that has been on my heart for several years now as our friends and fellow citizens become more divided than ever by politics, beliefs, prejudices, and the like.

Let it be me

(this is not a fighting song)

Let it be me

(not a wrong for a wrong)

Let it be me

If the world is night

Shine my life like a light

I found inspiration on the Pinterest page of another friend. I've gotten to the point where I instinctively know whose pin I'm seeing on my feed, even before I see the name, because I'm familiar with boards they have created. This sweet friend recently lost her mother very unexpectedly. She lives far away from me and seinding a sympathy card seemed like such a meaningless gesture. I rarely talk to her, but I know so much about her through her social media pages. Recently, she's been pinning a lot of bee related images, and I felt urged to cross stitch a simple bee emblem for her.